Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
