I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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