I got chris browned last night
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
