i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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