I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
