the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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