Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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