I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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