I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
no, he came in my armpit
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
