he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
