Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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