Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
