my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
