I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
