He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
