Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
