Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
