God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
