Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
