Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
