I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
