I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
