I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
