I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My life is pants optional.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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