We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
