Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
