I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
