the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
