I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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