I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
