Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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