Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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