Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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