you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
