My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
