We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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