oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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