Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
