your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
