She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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