why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
