Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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