So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
