Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
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