Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
