you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
