I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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