Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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