This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
