drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
