if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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