my mouth tastes like poor choices
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
